Laugh And Love
Anyone who tells you love and relationships aren't anything to laugh at—hasn't heard these hysterical jokes on the subject, by some of the funniest people of all time. And while these jokes probably can't help you with your love life, they can definitely provide you with a whole lotta laughs. So, let's get our LOL on...
Will Ferrell
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are".
Featureflash Photo Agency, Shutterstock
Henny Youngman
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays".
Mike Birbiglia
"I think falling in love for the first time is such a transcendent feeling. You know, it's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream—your brain can't even process that level of joy".
DoD News Features, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that".
Paul Reiser
"I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down".
Chris Rock
"Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time".
Mindy Kaling
"True love is singing karaoke “Under Pressure” and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part".
Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light".
Nikki Glaser
"I really was pretending to be this version of a girl that he would fall in love with. I was just walking around like, 'What would Khaleesi do? He likes that show, I think.'
"So I just, like, walked around topless, got a bunch of lizards. I didn’t think it through".
Sterling Munksgard, Shutterstock
Aziz Ansari
"Imagine if marriage didn't exist, and you're a guy and you ask someone to get married. Imagine what that conversation would be like. You'd be the guy and you'd be like,
[guy's voice]: Hey, so we've been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together and everything.
[girl's voice]: Yeah, yeah. I know.
[guy's voice]: I wanna keep doing that … 'til you're dead. I want to keep hanging out with you until one of us dies. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement".
Featureflash Photo Agency, Shutterstock
Lily Tomlin
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
Jerry Seinfeld
"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner".
Nounpusher Photography, Shutterstock
John Mulaney
Referencing the expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
"Why buy the cow? Maybe because every day the cow asks you when you're going to buy it. And you live in a really small apartment with the cow and you can't avoid that question at all. Also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are … But for real, why buy the cow? Let's be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do".
Dominick D, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Richard Pryor
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers".
Los Angeles Times, CC BY 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Rita Rudner
"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".
LOL Comedy, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Jim Gaffigan
"My wife had us register for fine China, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate".
Joan Rivers
"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing and what’s there stinks".
Mitch Hedberg
"I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I [screw] up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long".
Bonnie McFarlane
"I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, 'Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!'"
Lisa Gansky, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Jerry Seinfeld
"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women—a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom".
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Demetri Martin
"I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars. Like, I was in the park and I met this girl; she was cute, and she had a dog. I went up to her, and we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?'
"She said, 'No.'
"And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar'".
Sterling Munksgard, Shutterstock
Amy Schumer
"All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up".
Ray Barone (Ray Romano's Character on "Everybody Loves Raymond")
"Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there. You come back from work, she's there. You fall asleep, she's there. You eat dinner, she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not".
CBS, Everybody Loves Raymond (1996-2005)
Steve Martin
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks".
Chelsea Peretti
"If you text someone 'I Love You' and the person writes back an Emoji—no matter what the Emoji is, they don't love you back".
Gaelen Hadlett, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Ray Romano
"My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked".
George Burns
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there".
Unknown
"My ex and I used to roleplay in the bedroom a lot. Her favorite game was ‘Handsome Librarian!’ Which is where I’m not allowed to talk and she reads a book instead".
Rob Delaney
"It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth".
Chelsea Handler
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family".
Jerry Seinfeld
"Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome".
Entertainment Press, Shutterstock
Rita Rudner
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry".
Jimmy Carr
"My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called 'Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…"
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Wendy Liebman
"I didn't know if I should wear white to my wedding because you're not supposed to wear white to your wedding if you've always been kind of a sl....oppy eater".
'slgckgc', CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Megan Mullally
"Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you".
Robin Williams
"Divorce is like ripping a man's genitals out through his wallet".
Sarah Silverman
"My sister was with two men in one night… She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That's a lot of food".
Jim Gaffigan
"As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights".
Wendy Liebman
"I was single until I was 42. I thought I was going to be an old maid. But then I got married, so now I'm a maid".
Josie Long
""What’s a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed".
Nichole Rowbottom, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Alun Cochrane
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves".
Peter Dixon, CC BY 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Phil Wang
"My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue—completely pale, no arms".
Edwardx, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night, she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it".
Iliza Shlesinger
"Gentlemen, you must know that every single woman in this room—nay, the world—has a list of things she does to get ready. She does everything from plucking a hair on a big toe to filing down a fang. We have a list. There’s a pinnacle of attractiveness that every woman is capable of reaching; meaning once we’ve gotten ready, there’s a point where we’re done and we ain’t getting any hotter. And every minute that you’re late to pick us up is one more minute we spend messing with our makeup, and we get uglier. One time, my date was an hour late, I grew a tail".
Manuel G. Zamora, Wikimedia Commons
Emo Philips
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
slgckgc, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Nate Bargatze
"So my wife wanted to go visit her parents one weekend, and her parents are divorced, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That’s something people don’t talk about, when you marry into divorce. They divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses?"
Lisa Gansky, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Eric Morecambe
"I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup".
Evening Standard, Getty Images
Joan Rivers
"All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds".
Lewis Grizzard
"Next time I feel like getting married, I’ll find some woman I don’t like and buy her a house".
Sarah Silverman
"When I was in high school, I went out with my father’s best friend. And that’s embarrassing... My father having a 14-year-old best friend. What a loser".
Amy Schumer
"My husband’s the best. Before we have sex, he always puts the lights on. I shut them off, and he puts them back on. He’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.’ I'm like, ‘Oh, my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me".
Marc Maron
"It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old, and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that".
Featureflash Photo Agency, Shutterstock
Bill Burr
"Three out of four marriages end in failure. If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won't open, would you still jump?"
Nounpusher Photography, Shutterstock
Louis CK
"Divorce is always good news. Because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce".
Stephanie Moreno, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Nikki Glaser
"That’s all that’s in my phone. Texts between me and men who will never love me. And naked pictures. I send those, and I shouldn’t. The cloud is not secure. But, like, neither am I. And I need constant validation. I don’t put my face in the pictures, though. Mostly ‘cause he asks for them that way. But also, that’s smart".
Lisa Gansky, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
John Mulaney
"Meeting parents is a thing I've never understood. I've never been with my girlfriend and thought, 'Aw, babe, tonight is going great but do you know what would make it perfect? Charles and Ellen Mulaney'".
Norm Macdonald
"I tell ya, until I met my wife. I always felt incomplete. Now, I'm finished".
Greg2600, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Rodney Dangerfield
"I have good looking kids. Thank God my wife cheats on me".
Unknown
"I can't do casual hookups or one-night stands, I'm definitely a relationship guy. You can tell because all the women I'm interested in... are already in one".
Henny Youngman
"Take my wife, please".
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