George Carlin Quotes That Still Ring True Today
George Carlin was as beloved as he was controversial...and these wildly insightful quotes by the comedian are proof of that.
And Where Are The Matches?
“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances (2001)
Ignorance Is Bliss
“I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
A Chunk Of Change
“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny”?
The Bellringer., Wikimedia Commons
How To Spot A Con Man
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work”.
The Christian Science Monitor News and Photo Service, Wikimedia Commons
Seeing The Future
“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely”?
All In A Day’s Work
“Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
What A Paradox
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done”?
Unknown Author, Wikimedia Commons
Rules Of The Road
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac”?
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Lucky Guy
"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Isn’t That Just The Kiddy Section?
"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool”?
NBC, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-92)
Believe In People
"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Here Comes The Bride…
"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence”?
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
The Truth Hurts
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid”.
But Then Again
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it”.
On Optimism
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Seeing Touching Is Believing
“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Thinking Out Loud
“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions”.
CBS, Wikimedia Commons
To Each Their Own
“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes”.
NBC, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-92)
Who Else Is In The Third Category?
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Procrastination Pays Off
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Trust Yourself
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept”.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
Beggars CAN Be Choosers
"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend. I didn't bother with him”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
DIY
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
Making Small Talk
"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
TMI
"If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it”?
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Win The War, Not The Battle
"Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town”.
NBC, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-92)
Like A Needle In A Haystack
"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: 40 Years of Comedy (1997)
Be True—Or Don’t
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy”.
NBC, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-92)
Look Around
"My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place”.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
Choose Your Destiny
"People always tell me 'Have a nice day.' Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day”?
What’s The Point?
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
Every Dad’s Favorite Quote
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot
"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin - Complaints & Grievances (2001)
Take My Breath Away
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
What Was It That Descartes Said?
"I think I am, therefore, I am...I think”.
NBC, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-92)
You Are What You Do
"Would a fly without wings be called a walk”?
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Makes You Think
"What if there were no hypothetical questions”?
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Timing Is Everything
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
It’s All An Illusion
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
That’s One Way To Do Things
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances (2001)
Incredible, Insightful, Inspiring
"I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances (2001)
Toe The Line
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately”.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
Dance To Your Own Beat
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
How Do You Think We Got Here?
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Technically True
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization”.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
It’s A Matter Of Perspective
“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
When’s The Recital?
“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”“?
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: 40 Years of Comedy (1997)
The Root Of The Problem
“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Appearance Is Everything
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity”.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
Local Entertainment
“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
If He Only Knew How Much It Cost Now
“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ”
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin - Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
Life Lessons
“Don’t just teach your children to read…Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
The Bumper Sticker Every Kid Hopes For
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car”.
NBC, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-92)
In The Dark
“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did”.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
A Fine Balance
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Ideas Man
“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Growing Up
“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me”.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
And The Best Advice Of All?
"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath”.
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