The Greatest One-Liners In Standup Comedy

Bust A Gut With These Snappy Jokes

One of the great guilty pleasures of modern comedy is the snappy, often corny, one-liner. Observational humor has its place, but nothing makes us bust a gut like the perfect joke.

Here are some of the best from some of the best.

A Gag From The Jerk Himself

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

Hohum, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Bottom Of The Food Chain

"I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'” – Chris Rock

Tm, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Half A Hanukkah 

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

AllinLewis, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

How Can I Get Up?

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

Robert Cudmore, Flickr

Twenty Twenty Vision

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

David Skinner, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Don’t Forget The Sharpie

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

Tammy Lo, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Class Relations

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.” – Rob Beckett

WikiPedant, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Stadium Prices

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

Neal Brennan, CC BY 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Gray’s Anatomy

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

Edwardx, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

So Corny You Can’t Help But Laugh

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” - Stewart Francis

Impatient Productions, Stewart Francis-Pun Gent (2016)

Saturday Morning Cartoon

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

Robin S. Taylor, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Fancy Footwear

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” – Joel Dommett

Loredana Sangiuliano, Shutterstock

After School Activities 

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis.

CleftClips, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Half Off Sale

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

PhilipRomanoPhoto, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Father Figures

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

McGeddon, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Book Of Revelations

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

Nickjwebb, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Aerobics Class Sign Up

"I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?”' He said: 'How flexible are you?', I said: 'I can’t make Tuesdays.'” – Tommy Cooper

Andy Phillipson, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Breathe In Breathe Out

“'What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

Nichole Rowbottom, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Calorie Count

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

Raph_PH, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Had To Think About This One

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplow get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly

Eva Rinaldi, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Cleanly And Funny

“A man walks into a pharmacy and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’

The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’

And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” - Ronnie Barker

John88934, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Ring The Exterminator

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” - Greg Davies

PhilipRomanoPhoto, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Zoo Crew

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The other replied: ‘Well, put some cold in it then.’” – Harry Hill

Edwardx, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Glass Half Full

“People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’”- Bill Bailey

Brian Marks, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Your Own Worst Enemy

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” - Tim Vine

Paul Bailey, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Canker Sore Blues

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” - Dara O Brian

Bryan Berlin, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Even Your Dad Might Groan

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

Peter Dixon, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Back In My Day

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

Amnesty International UK, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Laughing Underwater

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'” – Peter Kay

University of Salford Press Office, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

The Best Diagnosis

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.'” – Stewart Francis

Impatient Productions,Stewart Francis-Pun Gent (2016)

Sticking Your Neck Out

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” - Paul Merton

James Cridland, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Hello Operator

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

Phil Guest, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Today’s Forecast

“Normally you have news, weather, and travel. But not on a snow day. On a snow day, the news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

Raph_PH, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Call Waiting 

“I was in my car driving back from work. An officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'” – Alan Carr

DJ, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Soy Milk

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signaling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

Mike Peel, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Animal Kingdom

“Owls haven’t got necks, have they? An owl is essentially a one-piece unit.” – Ross Noble

Matthewdfr, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Alcoholics Not So Anonymous

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

Go My Media, Shutterstock

Talking To Myself

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

Featureflash Photo Agency, Shutterstock

Don’t Forget To Eat Your Greens

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

Adrian Long, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

The Beat Goes Thump

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

Loredana Sangiuliano, Shutterstock

Culture Clash

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning Wehn

shirokazan, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Up In Smoke

“Apparently pot can affect your short-term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think pot does?” – Mickey P Kerr

Shirlaine Forrest, Getty Images

Some Political Satire

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.

‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.

‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

Paul Bailey, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Best Of The 90s

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

Karla Gowlett, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Morning Routine

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.” – Eric Morecambe

Go My Media, Shutterstock

Level 1, 2, 3...

“Crime in multi-storey parking garage. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

Mr Pics, Shutterstock

Astrology Fiend

“My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby.” – Billy Connolly

Featureflash Photo Agency, Shutterstock

Brain Powerfa

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

Featureflash Photo Agency, Shutterstock

Thinking About The Afterlife

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

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MAG, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Sources: 1, 2