The Master Of The One-Liner
Mitch Hedberg wasn't just one of the greatest stand-up comedians of his generation. There's an argument to be made that he is one of the greatest stand-ups of all time. With his unique delivery and amazingly brilliant turns of phrase and ability to see the funny in the smallest things—those who knew Hedberg loved him and to this day, new fans are discovering this comedy genius all the time.
So, as we come up on the 20th anniversary of his passing next month, we wanted to honor this stand-up legend with a little look back at his life and his funniest jokes...
Baby
"I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on".
Baby Mitch
Mitch Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968 in Saint Paul, Minnesota. He was of Finnish-Swedish, Czech, and German descent.
AlexiusHoratius, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
School
"Dr Scholl makes foot products, right? And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That **** wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I would have bought that **** from a Mr Scholl".
Mitch In School
Hedberg went to Harding High School in Saint Paul, Minnesota and was, by his account, a good student—until about grade 10 when he began to lose interest. He started cutting classes, but was able to graduate. But that was it for Hedberg as far as school was concerned. He never went to college.
McGhiever, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Stand-Up Work
"My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks. I bring him home a Jack and Coke".
Carlos Delgado, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch Starts Stand-Up Work
Hedberg started his stand-up career in Florida, working his craft and improving his skills before eventually moving to Seattle, building up his rep in the scene and starting to tour.
MTV
"I read last year that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, man... such an even number".
Alberto Garcia, CC BY 2., Wikimedia Commons
Mitch On MTV
After the move to Settle, Hedberg began to really establish himself and it wasn't too long before he showed up on the short-lived MTV show Comikaze.
Rory James, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
David Letterman
"One time, I was supposed to be on David Letterman, and it was the same time that Madonna was on, and Madonna went long, so I got bumped. But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage so it was still cool".
Chad J. McNeeley, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch On David Letterman
It was his appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman in 1996 that was Hedberg's big break and brought him to the attention of a much larger audience.
Neal Brennan, CC BY 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Win A Prize
"One time I went to a craft fair, and I saw a jar of jellybeans, it said 'Guess how many jellybeans are in the jar, and you win a prize'. Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I'll tell you what, you guess how many I want, if you said "a handful" you are right".
Troy McCullough, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch Wins A Prize
The Seattle International Comedy Competition has been held almost every year since 1980. In 1997, Hedberg finished in first place and took home the Grand Prize from the competition.
Sean Dillin, CC BY 1.0, Wikimedia Commons
Television
"This product that was on TV, it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments... and one complicated payment. We're not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard".
Juan Carlos Fonseca Mata, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch On Television
In 1998, Hedberg appeared in an episode on the first season of That '70s Show—playing Frank, a chef at the Hub.
Twentieth Century, That '70s Show (1998–2006)
Movies
"I like when they say that a movie was 'inspired by a true story' because that's weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story. 'Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?' 'Yes, I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla'".
Mitch Makes A Movie
In 1999, Hedberg wrote, directed, produced, and starred in a movie called Los Enchiladas!—about a fake Mexican chain restaurant in St Paul, and is based loosely on Hedberg's experiences working in restaurants and growing up in Minnesota.
Mitch Hedberg, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Busy Restaurants
"You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say 'Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two'. And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. 'Dufrane, party of two'. But then if no one answers, they'll just go right on to the next name. 'Bush, party of three'. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. 'Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes'".
Mitch Hedberg, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Mitch's Movie About A Busy Restaurant
Los Enchiladas! was shot in Minnesota and co-stared a number of Hedberg's comedian friends, including: Dave Attell, Marc Maron, and Todd Barry. The film takes place over the course of one day—the day before Cinco de Mayo (which is the busiest day of the year for Mexican restaurants).
Mitch Hedberg, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Albums
"I walked by a record store, the sign out front said they specialize in hard to find records and tapes... nothing was alphabetized!"
Sophie means wisdom, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch's Comedy Albums
Hedberg recorded three comedy albums throughout his career: Strategic Grill Locations, Mitch All Together, and Do You Believe in Gosh?—the last of which was released in 2008 (three years after Hedberg had passed).
Wodgester, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Hollywood
"When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, 'All right you're a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script'. They want me to do things that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my [butt] off to become a good cook, and they said 'All right you're a cook... can you farm?'"
Thomas Wolf, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch And Hollywood
Hedberg was definitely making a name for himself in the industry and Hollywood came calling. Time magazine called him "the next Seinfeld" and Fox signed him to a sitcom deal worth $500,000. Needless to say, a sitcom was never made.
Lynn
"I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I [screw] up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say 'nn' as long".
Dubaicomedycom, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch And Lynn
Hedberg married Canadian comedian Lynn Shawcroft in 1999. The pair remained together until Hedberg's sad passing.
Catpiccatpic, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Addiction
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling... I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle".
Scott Nazelrod, CC0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch And Addiction
While I don't know if Hedberg was actually addicted to gambling or sitting in a semicircle—he was a long-time recreational drug user and an addict. In March of 2005, Hedberg was on The Howard Stern Show and talked about how he had gotten his drug use under control.
When Stern asked him, "Do you? You know how to take them responsibly?" Hedberg responded, "Yeah, you know, just for the creative side of it".
Stefan Schweihofer, CC0, Wikimedia Commons
Cause Of Death
"Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy... Let's go that way'".
Hitchhiker89, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Mitch's Cause Of Death
Two weeks after that Howard Stern interview, Hedberg would be found dead in his hotel room—the official report would read, "multiple drug toxicity" as the cause.
Jokes
"I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny".
His Passing Wasn't A Joke
While Howard Stern made the announcement of the loss on March 31st, it didn't get much press until the next day—and because that was April 1st, many thought the news was some kind of April Fools Joke at first. It wasn't.
Bill Norton, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Influence
"I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread".
Mitch Hedberg's Influence
In the comedy world, Mitch Hedberg was highly respected and appreciated by his fellow comedians, from the likes of George Carlin and Dave Chappelle to Mike Birbiglia, Norm MacDonald and Lewis Black. There are also many comedians who count Hedberg as a major influence, including: Anthony Jeselnik, Bo Burnham, and Ron Funches.
Bonnie, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
One Of The Greats
While he might never have reached the heights of popularity with the general comedy audience as he could have (should have) had he lived longer—Hedberg is constantly being discovered by people who, once they hear him, can never forget him.
So, to take us out...Here are 10 of my favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes (not already mentioned previously). What are yours? In no particular order...
Joe Mabel, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
I'm A Mumbler
"I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say, 'What?' So I'll say it again, but once again, he doesn't hear me, so he says, 'What?!' But really, it's just some insignificant [crap] that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away!'"
LinkedIn Sales Navigator, Pexels
Highlighting Pen
"I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen, but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper".
liveandrock, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Hang A Map
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down".
No Girlfriend
"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that".
Escalators
"I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign. Only an 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience'".
College
"I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right".
Above Ground Pool
"I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool".
Chris Grazioli, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Heavy Metal Concert
"I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, 'How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?' And then he said, 'How many of you people feel like animals?' The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question".
Carlos Ramón Bonilla, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Donut
"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man. I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut..".
Picketing
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it".
You Might Also Like
Steven Wright vs. Mitch Hedberg: The Greatest One Liners Of All Time
George Carlin Quotes That Still Ring True Today
The Funniest And Most Outrageous Celebrity Roast Jokes Of All Time
.jpg){kind=link}
.jpg){kind=link}
.jpg){kind=link}
.jpg){kind=link}
.JPG){kind=link}