Norm Was Smarter Than Everybody
No one could write a line better than Norm MacDonald...and these insightful and hilarious quotes are proof of that.
On Advice
"The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth".
On Life
"Man, this is the greatest gig in the world, being alive. You get to eat at Denny’s, wear a hat, whatever you wanna do".
Greg2600, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
On Math
"When I was in school, I would get infuriated. I would do something in English, and I would get a B or something, and then I’d get so mad because it was just the guy’s opinion. But in math, you could get 100%. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it".
Christian Petersen, Getty Images
On History
"It says here in this history book that luckily, the good guys have won every single time. What are the odds?"
On Handsome Men
"Women are attracted to funny men, it is often said. This is not true. It only appears this way because women laugh at everything a very handsome man says. So this gives the very handsome men the idea that they are funny".
On Psychiatry
“I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything".
The Washington Post, Getty Images
On Hope
“As long as the red dice are in the air, the gambler has hope. And hope is a wonderful thing to be addicted to".
On Sports
"You can't love your team without hating another team".
Michael S. Schwartz, Getty Images
On Ponzi Schemes
"When I was a child, they told me children are our future. Then I grew up and now they're saying it's actually these new children. I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one".
On Cancer
“When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous".
On Comedians-Turned-Actors
"It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that'".
On The Menendez Brothers
"The Menendez Brothers are back in court. They now claim that they shotgunned their mother and father over 20 times because they feared their parents possessed supernatural powers. Though they now admit, looking back on it, they were probably wrong".
Richard J. Donovan, Wikimedia Commons
On The NCAA
"My favorite NCAA teams are all colors. Auburn, Navy, Siena, and Hot Bubble Gum Pink".
The George F. Landegger, Picryl
On Sinbad
"Accomplished comedian Sinbad announced he’s filing for bankruptcy for the second time. Sounds like things have gone from Sinbad to Sinworse".
Michael Atkinson, Wikimedia Commons
On Comedy
"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny".
Defense Visual Information Distribution Service, Getarchive
On The Perfect Joke
“I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical".
On Arrogance
"I love Lou Gehrig, but I'm not going to stand up in front of a million people and brag that I'm the luckiest man in the world because some doctors named a disease after me. Confidence is one thing, but arrogance is the worst disease of them all".
Pacific & Atlantic Photos, Wikimedia Commons
On Obituaries
"The obituaries are concerning me because people are dying in alphabetical order".
Edal Anton Lefterov, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
On Science
“When I die, I want my body donated to science. But more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life".
On Dogs
"Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them".
On Fairness
"Nobody ever said life was fair. Except that one Russian guy who worked at the fair".
On Podiums
"I endorse podiums. That's a product I can stand behind".
On Careers
"I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser".
On Clever People
"I think that clever people think that poor people are stupid".
Greg2600, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
On ID
“'ID' is a strange abbreviation. 'I' is short for 'I', and 'D' is short for 'dentification'".
On Chess Players
"Chess players think checker players are dumb. But I love playing checkers. Plus, the red ones are tasty".
Jorge Royan, Wikimedia Commons
On The Food Chain
“I saw this one—it was for cat food—at the end of it, it says, ‘All natural food for your cat’. All natural food? But cat food’s made out of horse meat. Yeah, that’s the way it works in nature: the cat, right above the horse in the food chain".
Nickispeaki, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
On Dreaming
“You ever be having a really good dream, and then right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?”
On Women
“I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies".
On Alcohol
"They're like 'You're an alcoholic.' I go 'No, I'm not.' And then apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?"
On Terror
"If we're going to fight a War on Terror, I think a good place to start would be our nation's haunted houses".
On Lake Superior
"I can’t stand stuck up bodies of water…it’s like get over yourself, Lake Superior".
On Vegas
“People know I go to Las Vegas a lot and they always ask if I saw the white tigers at the Mirage. I say, ‘Only if they were sitting at the Let It Ride table.'”
Clément Bardot, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
On The Ultra-Rich
"The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athina Onassis, celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What’s it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea, at the party, they had two cakes".
On The Planets
"All of the planets in the solar system are named after gods, except for Earth which is named after all that stuff on the ground".
On Revenge
"I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant getting back at somebody".
On Mondays
"Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day according to a group of researchers who've never read a Garfield comic".
On Bill Maher
"Hey, you're not going to believe this, but Bill Maher is giving away the solution to all our problems...for free!"
Angela George, CC BY 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
On The Ol' Switcheroo
"I wonder who's buried in the grave of the guy who invented the Ol' Switcheroo".
On His Appearance
"I know I'm not the most attractive man in the world, when women look at me I can tell they're over-dressing me with their eyes".
On "No"
"If there's two things I'm 100% sure are true, it's that 1) No means no. 2) You should never take no for an answer".
On Curiosity
"They say curiosity killed the cat but I don't think we should rule out that shifty-lookin' kid next door..".
On The Flintstones
"It's kind of a weird feeling watching The Flintstones lately, with their stone-age drive-in movies, and their caveman bowling...it just seems so dated!"
Universal, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)
On Weight Gain
"Hey, news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will you? She's pregnant! Of course she's going to gain weight, and if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say OINK!"
On The Easter Bunny
"Warning to the Easter Bunny: Don't put all your eggs in one basket, fella!"
On The Movies
"The Deer Hunter is a terrific movie unless you shelled out three bucks to see some actual deer hunting".
Universal, The Deer Hunter (1978)
On Hippos
"A hippo's mouth is wide enough to fit a four foot tall child, unfortunately after measuring the hippo's mouth almost all the children were eaten".
Joachim Huber, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
On Hitler
“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him".
On The Truth
"Could you imagine if I came out here and told you what I was really thinking? There's no place for that in this world. It's crazy to even consider it".
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