“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious” –Peter Ustinov
There are some comedians that just get it. Sure, they’re telling jokes—but some of them, from old favorites like George Carlin to newer favorites—are also sharing universal truths about life that still hold true to this day.
You Said It
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that". –George Carlin.
Out Of Order
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience”. –Mitch Hedberg.
Speaking The Truth
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list”. –Denis Leary.
Dominick D, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
The Key To Happiness
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." –Joan Rivers.
We Do What We Can
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” ―Mel Brooks.
Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
News service, Wikimedia Commons
What’s The Weather Like Up There
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” –Jack Whitehall.
Sean Reynolds, Wikimedia Commons
The Difference Between Cats And Dogs
"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." –Conan O’Brien.
Jay Dixit, CC BY 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Save Your Time
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later". –Mitch Hedberg.
Is This What They Mean When They Say Better To Ask For Forgiveness?
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me”. –Emo Philips.
slgckgc, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
What A Prize
I'm engaged to be married. Gonna do that. Hopefully we have a successful marriage, which means one of us is gonna watch the other one die. Sounds weird when you put it in words, doesn't it? It's not considered a good marriage unless, someday, one of us is standing over the other one's dead body crying, shaking hands, thinking, ‘We did it’”. –Tommy Johnagin.
Incentivize It
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them”? –Bill Murray.
Harald Krichel, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Less Than Zero
"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.’” –Chris Rock.
I Need A Map
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory”. –Paul Fix.
ABC Television, Wikimedia Commons
Having It All
"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." –Dylan Moran.
This Is The End
“Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen.
We’ll Let You Fill In The Rest
“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.” –Redd Foxx.
ABC Television, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
No Foolin’
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." –Spike Milligan.
Do The Math
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” –Josie Long.
Nichole Rowbottom, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Not What I Asked For
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“ – Lily Tomlin.
U.S. Department of State, Wikimedia Commons
A Conundrum
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." –Bob Hope.
Lietmotiv, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Lost & Found
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it”? ―Billy Connolly.
Eva Rinaldi, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Buyer’s Remorse
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." –Margaret Cho.
Frantogian, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Keep Steady
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” —Mel Brooks.
Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Pretty, Pretty Good
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough”. –Larry David.
Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Lay In The Bed You Made
"My brother in law is German. He came to me and said 'I can't get a good bagel at home!' and I said, 'well whose fault is that?'" –Emo Philips.
Raph_PH, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Man’s Best Friend
"Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." –Groucho Marx.
Be Realistic
"I am a man of my word. And that word is unreliable" –Demitri Martin.
Tammy Lo, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
First Things First
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down." –Mitch Hedberg.
The Student Has Become The Teacher
"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though”. –Emo Philips.
It’s How You Look At It
"I don't fail, I succeed in finding what doesn't work." –Christopher Titus.
Escape Artist
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” –Jack Handey.
Slow Down
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers.
Next Season On…
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” –Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
Scary Stuff
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld.
You Get What You Pay For
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton.
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