December 5, 2024 | Jesse Singer

Steven Wright vs. Mitch Hedberg: The Greatest One Liners Of All Time


Lines Of Greatness

There have been many good one-liner comedians, from Henny Youngman to Jimmy Car. But to our mind, there have been no two greater masters of the genre then Steven Wright and Mitch Hedberg. And these lines are some of the reasons why...

Wright Hedberg L2

Steven Wright: Casino

"A while ago, I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered to be an odd number".

American comedian Steven Wright performs onstage at the Chicago TheaterPaul Natkin, Getty Images

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Mitch Hedberg: Casino

"I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle".

Mitch Hedberg during Arena Performance UCF Arena in OrlandoCy Cyr, Getty Images

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Steven Wright: Fear

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths".

teven Wright poses in deadpan fashion during a 1986 Los AngelesGeorge Rose, Getty Images

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Mitch Hedberg: Fear

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside".

Portrait Photo of the comedian Mitch Hedberg smiling and facing the cameraCy Cyr, Getty Images

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Steven Wright: Buying

"I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific".

Comedian Steven Wright attends Comic Relief BenefitRon Galella, Ltd., Getty Images

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Mitch Hedberg: Buying

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut; I don't need a receipt for the donut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut".

Portrait Photo of Mitch Hedberg performs in KansasJason Squires, Getty Images

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Steven Wright: Bed

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)

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Mitch Hedberg: Bed

"I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"

Grayscale Portrait Photo of the American stand-up comedian Mitch HedbergRobert Cudmore, Flickr

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Steven Wright: Kids

"When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Kids

"If my kid couldn’t draw, I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)CBS, Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)

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Steven Wright: Daydreams

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)

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Mitch Hedberg: Dreams

"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television sitcom That '70s Show (1998-2006)FOX, That '70s Show (1998-2006)

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Steven Wright: Books

"I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)

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Mitch Hedberg: Books

"Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!"

Portrait Photo of the comedian Mitch Hedberg in a floral shirtRaffin, Flickr

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Steven Wright: Pants

"I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)

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Mitch Hedberg: Pants

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real hero?"

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)CBS, Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)

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Steven Wright: Candles

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Candles

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: Fishing

"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)

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Mitch Hedberg: Fishing

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: Sleep

"When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes'".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)

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Mitch Hedberg: Sleep

"I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)CBS, Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)

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Steven Wright: Escalators

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. 20 people were trapped on the escalators".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Escalators

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience'".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: Animals

"I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him 'There, now you're done'".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)

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Mitch Hedberg: Animals

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)

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Steven Wright: Food

"I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Food

"Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: More Food

"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)

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Mitch Hedberg: More Food

"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: Still More Food

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Still More Food

"I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)

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Steven Wright: Gifts

"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Gifts

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: Words

"What's another word for 'thesaurus?'"

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Words

"I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the television show The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn (1999-2004)CBS, The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn (1999-2004)

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Steven Wright: Plants

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Plants

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)

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Steven Wright: Forgetting

"Last week, I forgot how to ride a bicycle".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)

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Mitch Hedberg: Forgetting

"This one commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers’. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind".

A visually captivating still taken from a pivotal moment in the film Los Enchiladas! (1999)Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)


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