2. Mind-Boggling Discovery
When I was growing up, my dad used to take me to McDonald’s and buy me Happy Meals. I loved the toy in every box, but I definitely did not enjoy the little bits of “rice” I always found on my burger buns and had to scrape off.
Then one day, I had a brilliant idea. When we ordered, I could just ask for no rice on my burger. My dad went along with it perfectly. At the drive-through, he’d tell the workers, “No rice on the burgers,” sometimes loudly enough to confuse everyone.
I was 20 years old, eating at McDonald’s with friends, when I opened my burger and saw that familiar “rice” staring back at me. That’s when it finally clicked. I immediately called my dad. I had never heard him laugh so hard. The only thing he could get out was, “You’re only figuring that out now?!”
3. I Forgot It Could Do That
Right before leaving for a date, I was happily brushing my teeth with my favorite electric toothbrush when I noticed the battery was dying. I started panicking, pressing the power button over and over and getting shorter little bursts before it finally stopped completely.
Oh no. Now what? How am I supposed to brush my teeth?
Then I remembered: I could just move the toothbrush back and forth myself.
4. Disappeared Into Thin Air
With my first car, I always had to lock it manually by pushing the lock down before getting out, or by using the key from the outside.
One day, I was in a rush and jumped out quickly. I was sure I had locked it before getting out, then I slammed the door shut. A wave of panic hit when I realized I’d messed up. I couldn’t find my keys. I looked everywhere—on the ground, in all my pockets. Nothing.
I pressed my greasy forehead against the driver’s side window and looked inside, hoping I’d dropped the keys on the seat or floor. Great, I was already late. Where were they?
After two full minutes of running from one side of the car to the other and peeking through the windows, I finally decided to check whether I had actually locked the door at all.
Of course, I discovered I had not only left the door unlocked, but also left the car running with the keys still in the ignition.
5. Bank Woes
I needed to deposit some money into my bank account, so I drove to the bank, went inside, and picked up a deposit slip. But when I tried to write my account number in the boxes, it wouldn’t fit. There were too many digits. When I asked the teller about it, she told me that account number didn’t exist in their system.
Confused, I drove back home and checked my account number in my checkbook. Everything looked right. I was using the correct number. So what was the problem?
I drove back to the bank and told the teller the account number was definitely correct. She still said it was wrong. So I walked back out to my car to get my checkbook.
That’s when I suddenly realized I had been going into the wrong bank the whole time. My actual bank was across the street.
6. What A Racket
My dad left to go play tennis. Five minutes later, he came rushing back in after realizing he’d forgotten his racquet. He started searching everywhere for it and blaming everyone for moving his things, because it wasn’t where he thought it should be.
Finally, I got up the nerve to say, “Dad—it’s in your hand.”
He had been tearing through the whole house with his one free hand, even waving the racquet around at us while showing how annoyed he was.
7. Weird Spots
I went to visit my friend, who has two cats. One day, he noticed something that really worried him. One of the cats had a spot on its head, which I figured was probably from roughhousing with the other cat. But he wanted to be safe, so I went with him to the vet.
The vet took one look and immediately said there was nothing wrong with the cat. My friend seemed relieved, but then he turned the cat over and said, “Well, he has a strange spot here too. Could you take a look at this?”
The vet looked him straight in the eye with a perfectly serious expression and said, “That, sir, is a mammary gland.” Doing his best not to lose composure, my friend replied something like, “Ah, okay then,” and we left.
The vet was kind enough not to charge us. The moment we got back to the car, we started laughing. It took him a solid 10 minutes before he was calm enough to drive.
8. A Handy Move
I was about 14 and playing basketball with some friends when the ball got away from us. I went after it, but somehow ended up stomping on my own left hand. For some reason, I convinced myself someone else had stepped on it.
While trying to pull my hand out from under my foot, I just kept stepping down harder on it as it struggled to get free. This went on for nearly 10 seconds before I realized I was being a complete idiot.
9. What IS That?
A man with a very heavy accent came into the pharmacy where I worked, holding something that looked like a small turkey baster. He was trying to tell me he needed a “new one.”
“What is it?” I asked. Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand his answer. So I took the item from him and went over to the pharmacist for help.
“I have a customer who’s looking for one of these,” I told her. She took one look at me and completely lost it. I was standing there holding a dirty, used rectal syringe. I had thought the brown stuff on it was old gravy.
10. The Handy Hair Dryer
A few months ago, I stayed over at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. When I woke up, I decided to shower before heading to work. My girlfriend had already left by the time I got out.
Unfortunately, I’d forgotten to bring a towel into the bathroom, and since her parents were home, I didn’t want to run out and grab one without any clothes on. So I decided it would be a smart idea to air-dry with the hair dryer sitting on the counter.
I have very short hair, so I’d never really used a hair dryer before and had no idea how hot it could get. Everything was going fine until I got to a very sensitive area. That’s when everything went wrong.
The burning hit instantly. By the time I pulled the hair dryer away, the damage was already done. I had given myself a pretty bad burn and then had to explain it to my girlfriend’s parents during the car ride to the emergency room.
Freepik,freepik
11. A Painful Experiment
It was a blazing summer day. I was sitting shirtless on my deck, drinking a bottle of ale and taking a few puffs of smoke. When I finished the ale, I started wondering whether a lighter could melt glass. So I held the flame against the bottle. A spot about the size of a pea began to glow dull red, then orange. Before long, it started to melt. Feeling satisfied, I set the lighter down and watched the glass cool.
Then, all of a sudden, a tiny crack spread across the heated spot with a faint "tink" sound. I had just enough time to think, "you're an idiot," before I squeezed my eyes shut and the bottle burst in my hand.
Most of it turned into tiny bits of hot glass that sprayed over me, but one piece about the size of a quarter landed right on my chest and stuck there with a sizzling sound. I had to pull it off with my fingers—burning them a little too—and it took some skin with it.
To this day, whenever I look in the mirror without a shirt on, I see a hairless patch the size of a quarter that will always remind me I’m not quite as clever as I think I am.
12. What's Your Excuse?
My mom and I were looking through some old family photos when we found pictures from my grandparents’ wedding day. I started asking her questions about it, and she kept saying she "didn’t really know."
So eventually I asked why she didn’t know anything about it. She replied, "Well, I wasn’t there." I was stunned, surprised, and honestly kind of sad that she hadn’t been at Nana and Grandpa’s wedding.
"Why not?" I asked. "Why didn’t you go?" And she said, "I wasn’t born yet."
"Oh, right."
13. Freaky Birthday Wish
My mom asked me to pick up a card for my uncle’s birthday, which is on August 13th. I asked her, "Ooh, has he ever had a birthday on Friday the 13th?"
"Well, yes, he’s had several over the years," she answered. Then I said, "I can’t wait until my birthday lands on Friday the 13th!" I was really into scary movies, so I think I was picturing some kind of horror-themed party.
Trying not to laugh, my mom said, "Well, since your birthday is on the seventh, I hate to break it to you, but that’s never going to happen."
Ever since then, every Friday the 13th, my family gives me a card and a present. They still love teasing me about it.
14. Hello, Is Anyone There?
I was tearing the house apart looking for my phone while I was actually talking to my friend on it. Then I asked him to call my phone after we hung up so I could find it—not exactly one of my finest moments.
15. Early Morning Wake-Up Call
One morning, the alarm on the other side of the bed started going off. I reached across to hit snooze, but I didn’t realize just how far away I was from the clock. That mistake got me into trouble fast.
The clock was sitting on the far side of my sleeping girlfriend, and instead of hitting it, I accidentally smacked her on the forehead. She had somehow slept through the alarm, but waking up to being slapped definitely got her attention. Half asleep, I just mumbled, "I thought you were the alarm clock."
16. Up The Creek With Hunger Pangs
One evening, I was working late on the college newspaper with my best friend. We got really hungry and started searching for something to eat, until we found a container of cookie dough in the fridge.
In a moment of misplaced confidence, I asked her, “Do you think I could bake cookies in the microwave?” She gave some half-hearted sound that I took as agreement. So I grabbed a Styrofoam plate, put a couple scoops of cookie dough on it, and stuck it in the microwave for 10 minutes.
After about three minutes, thick black smoke started pouring out of the microwave. I jumped up, waved my arms around, and yelled, “Oh no! Oh no!” My friend didn’t notice anything was wrong until I rushed over and opened the microwave. Inside, we found a black, burned circle where the plate of cookie dough used to be.
Almost immediately, the room started filling with smoke. I was sure the fire alarm would go off and the sprinklers would soak all the computer labs on our floor, but somehow it never happened. To make things worse, the windows wouldn’t open, so we had to use old newspapers and jackets from the newsroom to push the awful fumes down the stairwell.
On Monday, when classes started again, everyone kept talking about the strange smell in the air. Thankfully, no one opened the microwave and found the charred remains of our terrible idea.
17. Music Makes The World Go ‘Round
I once stuck the strings from my hoodie into my ears, thinking they were my earbuds. I thought my iPod had stopped working until I looked down. I didn’t even have my iPod with me. I was just sitting there with hoodie strings in my ears.
18. Fuzzy Socks No More
It was cold and rainy while I was walking home from high school. I was looking at my phone and thought, “Hey, I’ll just step in this puddle.” That turned out to be a terrible decision. The puddle was actually a pothole. By the time I got home, I was freezing and completely soaked.
The night before, I had watched an episode of Seinfeld where he put his clothes in the oven to get them warm and dry. After changing out of my wet clothes, I thought, “Hmm, I want my fuzzy socks to be warm and dry too,” but I wasn’t about to put them in the oven—I wasn’t that foolish.
So I tossed them in the microwave instead. I walked away to do something else, but before long I smelled a horrible odor. I ran back into the kitchen and saw that the inside of the microwave was on fire. I opened the door and threw a cup of water on the burning socks.
Somehow, I managed to throw what was left of them into the trash can. Then the trash caught fire too. There wasn’t much in it, so I turned on the sink and started dumping the burning trash into it just as my mother walked through the door.
19. Can You Hear Me Now?
I had been listening to music on my phone with headphones. When I remembered I needed to call someone, I took the headphones out of my ears and dialed the number. The phone showed the call had connected, but I couldn’t hear anything.
So I started yelling into the phone, hung up, called back, and yelled some more, getting more annoyed the whole time. This went on for at least 10 minutes before I finally realized my headphones were still plugged in.
Not exactly my finest moment.
20. Say "Jeeze!"
For my high school’s end-of-year photography project, I decided to travel an hour into London and spend the day taking pictures of the city. I wanted to stay there all day looking for interesting shots and trying to be as artistic as possible so I could earn a good grade.
The next week, feeling proud of all my effort, I went straight into the school darkroom to develop the pictures. I turned out the lights and started winding the film back into the cassette.
I got confused when the camera didn’t seem to cooperate and I couldn’t get the film out to process it. So I went to get my teacher for help. He took one look and asked, “Are you sure you put film in this camera?”
It turned out I had traveled all the way into London and spent an entire day taking pictures with no film in the camera.
21. Didn’t Think This Through
We only had one set of apartment keys, and I kept them because I was always the first one home after school. One day, I left a note that said, “I have the keys. Call me on my phone if you want to get into the apartment.”
Then I taped the note to the TV, locked the doors, and left.
22. Unbelievable Revelation
For about four months, I thought this girl I worked with just really loved changing her hair color. It seemed so strange. One shift she’d be blonde, and the next she’d be brunette. Along with a slight personality change and the occasional blank look when I brought up an earlier conversation, I just figured she was kind of odd.
Then one day, the blonde and brunette showed up TOGETHER. They’re TWINS?!! My brain completely short-circuited. I didn’t say a word and stayed speechless for the rest of my shift.
23. Jack Of No Trades
I was talking with my mom about fixing some pipes. We were standing next to the washer and dryer, and one of them was running. I asked her, “Shouldn’t we wait until the laundry is done before turning off the water?” She replied, “It’s just the dryer running.” I answered, “Yeah?”
My mom gave me a confused look. I asked, “So the washing machine uses cold water?” “Yes, mostly,” she said. Then I asked, “So the dryer uses hot water?” My mom gave me the most stunned stare.
After a few seconds, I finally said, “Oh, right. Okay.”
24. On The Road To Nowhere
I drive a lot for work. One day, after visiting a customer, I got back in my car, turned the corner, and stopped behind a line of traffic at a red light. The light turned green, but no one moved.
I figured someone farther ahead had broken down, so I waited. After three full light cycles, I started trying to see over the line of cars. I noticed the car in front had no one in it, so I leaned back and thought, “Wow, this must be serious,” and kept waiting patiently.
After a while, I started getting really annoyed. I was about to honk, but then I thought, “Why isn’t anyone else honking?”
Eventually, I looked more carefully down the line and realized all the cars were empty. I had been sitting there revving behind a row of parked cars.
25. Long Lost Roommate
I was studying by myself at a local restaurant when I looked up and saw someone who I thought was an old roommate sitting a couple of tables away. I hadn’t seen her in years, so I went over and started with the usual, “What have you been up to?” kind of questions.
When we got to the topic of kids, I asked how her daughter was doing—she was three when I lived with her four years earlier. She said her daughter was doing well and had started high school that year. At that moment, alarm bells went off in my head, and I thought, “That’s impossible. How old is she if her daughter is 15?”
Then it hit me: this was NOT the person I thought I was talking to. Even though she had gone along with the conversation so naturally that I was completely convinced until the comment about her daughter’s age. Instead of admitting my mistake, I kept making awkward small talk.
Eventually, I mumbled “Bye” and went back to my table. We finished our meals without making eye contact. If I remember right, I had even called her by the wrong name.
26. This Tastes Funny
This morning, I ran out of toothpaste and decided to brush with baking soda instead. That can work if it’s fresh baking soda, but unfortunately, I didn’t have any.
So I used the box from my freezer. I regretted it right away. My mouth instantly filled with the taste of old meat and every other smell that had been sitting in that freezer for years. So gross.
Freepik, cookie_studio
27. Driving In Circles
One day while driving home from high school, I took the usual road toward my street when I suddenly realized my street was gone! I drove up and down for about 10 minutes, feeling like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Where had my street disappeared to?
At last, I slowed down and started reading the street signs. Then it hit me—the house on the corner, which had always been bright flamingo pink and was my signal to turn, had been painted brown. Seriously? A house got repainted, and I completely panicked and lost all sense.
It was definitely a silly moment.
28. Exam Fiasco
One summer evening, I was studying for final exams and accidentally nodded off. When I woke up, I was convinced it was the next morning. It never even crossed my mind that only a couple of hours had passed. I threw on my school uniform, shoved a piece of toast in my mouth, and said, “Bye” to my brother, who casually said, “Bye” back.
I started stressing as I ran to the train station. I wasn’t exactly known for being on time, and I really couldn’t afford to be late again. Just as I got there, I saw the train arriving and, in some kind of wild kung-fu move, managed to leap on board at the last second.
As I sat down feeling pretty proud of myself, I finally checked my phone and saw it was only 8:15 p.m.! I was now trapped on a non-stop, 45-minute train ride, looking like I’d been through a battle and clearly lost.
29. It’s Getting Dim In Here
One night a few months ago, the power went out in my apartment complex, so I downloaded a flashlight app on my phone. While using it to get around, I noticed my phone battery was draining fast. So I grabbed my charger and plugged it into the wall, but nothing happened.
It took me about five minutes of trying different outlets, fiddling with the cord, and getting more and more frustrated before I remembered that the power was out.
30. Dude, Where’s Your Card?
My friend Rachel and I were going to an event downtown. She had planned to pick me up, but at the last minute she called and said she wasn’t ready yet, so I should come to her place instead. I drove to her house, and once she was ready, we got in her car and she drove us to the event.
Afterward, it was pretty late. We’d had a few drinks, and it was time to head home. She dropped me off, and I went straight to bed. I had no idea I’d made a huge mistake. The next morning, I saw I had missed calls from Rachel. In her voicemail, she said, “Um, I think you forgot something? Your card?”
I thought, “Card?” I was confused because I had my main debit card and some cash, so I didn’t think much of it. It didn’t seem as urgent as she made it sound. I figured I’d call her later and pick it up after work.
Until...my husband and I were heading out for work, and he asked, “Hey, where’s the car?”
31. The Numbers Don’t Add Up
I work in sales, so I spend a lot of time making phone calls. My phone sits on my desk. I dial the number, wait for it to start ringing, and then pick up the handset.
One afternoon, I found the customer’s number I needed and started dialing. I waited for it to ring. Of course, nothing happened. “I must have dialed the wrong number,” I thought.
So I tried again. And again. Still nothing, not even a dial tone. On my last try, I looked down and realized I’d been pressing the “AC” button on my calculator the whole time.
32. Treading In Murky Water
One summer, my parents left the country for two weeks and left me home alone. Naturally, I decided it was the perfect chance to invite some of my “closest friends” over as often as possible. We lived way out in the country, with the nearest neighbors about 100 yards away. And since our house had a pool and a hot tub, it seemed like the ideal setup.
The first night I had people over, the hot tub got pretty gross—we may have gone a little over the maximum capacity. So I came up with what I thought was a smart solution: siphon all the water out of the hot tub into the pool, then refill the tub with clean water from the hose.
It worked perfectly. The hot tub was clean again, and the pool got a little warmer. The next night, more people showed up. But once again, by morning the hot tub water was nearly cloudy. No big deal—I dumped that dirty water into the pool too and filled the tub back up with fresh hose water.
By the third night—gross, gross, GROSS. But I kept doing it, sending all the hot tub grime into the pool. Then I noticed something: where was the bottom of the pool? Now I had a real problem. In my effort to keep the tub clean, I’d ignored the pool, and the water had slowly turned a nasty grayish-green color. Uh-oh.
I thought, “The filters should fix it before my parents get back in a week… right?” But what if they didn’t? How was I going to make the pool look crystal clear for my extremely unforgiving parents? That’s when I had what seemed like a brilliant idea.
Twenty minutes later, tens of thousands of gallons of water were pouring out of the pool and rushing down the mountain like a giant chlorinated waterfall. “No way,” you say?
Oh yes. I absolutely did that.
I felt pretty proud of my dirty-water solution until I noticed the shape of the pool walls starting to blur. We had a vinyl liner inside the pool, and guess what kept it pressed against the concrete? The water. To my horror, the blue liner was slowly peeling away from the walls and floor.
I shut off the draining immediately. By then, the deep end only had a couple feet of water left, and the shallow end was, let’s say, very wrinkled. Maybe I could still save the deep end. But how was I supposed to refill the pool? Then I thought: what had worked for the hot tub?
The garden hose. I was sure it could refill the pool in five days before my parents got back. So I turned it on, feeling confident that the pool would be full of clean water soon. But there was one problem: our house ran on well water. After a few days of pumping, the water started coming out slower and slower.
After five days of trying to refill the pool, the water had only just started to reach the shallow end. And to make things worse, my parents were coming home the next day.
33. Brain Freeze
While exhausted on a transatlantic flight, I noticed a sign on the seat in front of me that said, “In case of an emergency landing, the seat cushion is also usable as a flotation device.”
I stared at the word “usable” for about 20 minutes. My brain kept going: “yoo-see-ah-bull? yoo-C-bull. yoo... yoo-C-ah-bleugh?” I honestly couldn’t figure out how to pronounce it.
34. A Shocking Transformation
For some reason, one day at school I decided to wrap a paperclip around my index and middle finger, then stick it into two different outlets to see what would happen.
The first time, nothing happened. But the second time, I really did connect with the outlet and got knocked flat onto the floor. The teacher panicked, the students panicked, and basically the whole building panicked. The outlet was scorched, the lights blew out, and the building lost power.
Me, though? I was fine. My friends and I still joke that I probably rewired my brain that day. I went from being a troublemaker to a straight-A student almost overnight.
Flickr, Marco Verch Professional Photographer
35. All According To Plan
When I was a kid, I loved the idea of skateboarding, but I was too lazy and uncoordinated to actually learn how to do it properly. Instead, I’d sit on the board and ride it down my driveway straight into our busy street.
One day, I came up with a plan: I tied an extendable dog leash to the back axle of my skateboard and wedged the leash handle under the garage door. My child brain somehow believed this would give me a nice, gentle stop when the leash ran out. I could not have been more wrong.
I knelt on the skateboard, ready for a great time. At first, it seemed like my plan was working as I picked up speed and the leash stretched out behind me. Then the board came to a sudden stop—but physics kept me moving, straight face-first into the concrete sidewalk.
I started fourth grade with scabs all over the lower half of my face and teeth chipped badly enough that I could whistle through them.
36. The Trouble With Lazy Boys
My cousin and I were sharing a room at my grandma’s house. We had just replaced the old TV with a newer one. Instead of moving the old one out of the way, we left it sitting in the hall. Like a pair of lazy idiots, we figured we’d deal with it the next day. That turned out to be a terrible mistake.
At 11 p.m., we heard a loud scream and a heavy thud right outside our bedroom door. We ran out and found Grandma crumpled on the floor. She had been heading to bed but didn’t turn on the hall light, because she understandably assumed her grandsons hadn’t done something so foolish.
She bruised her hip, and I still feel awful about it to this day.
Freepik, rawpixel.com
37. Fitting Right In
I was starting a new job and getting the full tour. I was shown a door to the back loading dock and told, “Don’t open that door without a code. When it’s closed, it’s armed.”
“Okay, good to know,” I thought. As we headed back to the storeroom, I saw a delivery guy walking toward the loading dock door. He was just reaching for the handle, and without thinking, I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR! IT HAS A GUN!”
My manager stared at me for a second before realizing I thought the door was literally armed. She laughed for about five minutes before telling everyone else in the store what I’d said. Then she bought me a bag of Cheetos and said I was going to fit in just fine.
38. The Early Bird Gets To Play
When I was a kid, I lived right next to my school. Home was literally a 60-second sprint from the playground. One morning, I got there and the playground was strangely quiet. Nobody was there except me. Usually some buses arrived really early, so I was never the first person there, but this time I was.
I was thrilled. I ran around the playground and played on the swings. When I realized no one else was showing up, I ran home to tell my mom she had sent me to school too early. I started proudly talking about being the first kid there when she looked at me and said, “No, honey. You’re late. The bell already rang.”
That was my first trip to the office. I still can’t believe I didn’t figure it out on my own. Even now, I wonder if anyone saw me out there on the playground—the kid ignoring the bell and happily swinging away.
39. Joke’s On Me
I used to work at a gas station. Every night, police officers would come in for coffee and small talk. Over time, I got to know a couple of them. They’d tell stories about the strange things they saw during their shifts, and I got to hear some pretty entertaining ones.
One day, I was stocking the cooler when I heard Officer Ingram talking to my manager at the front of the store. The cooler had speakers so whoever was working there could hear what was going on in the rest of the store. That’s when I got a truly reckless idea.
I thought it would be funny to come out of the cooler wearing my sweatshirt and ski mask and sneak up on Officer Ingram, just to see how an officer would react to getting “robbed.” So I started sneaking around the store, moving from one aisle to the next.
I managed to stay out of Officer Ingram’s sight. My manager noticed me from the corner of his eye but didn’t say anything. It wasn’t unusual for me to wear a ski mask after working in the cooler. I got to the counter and pressed the blunt end of my box cutter against the back of his neck.
Then I said in a deep voice, “Don’t do anything foolish or call for help. Just give me your wallet.” My manager just stared at me, speechless. Meanwhile, Officer Ingram didn’t even flinch. He took a sip of coffee and told me I might be the biggest idiot he’d ever met.
That’s when I noticed my manager’s eyes had dropped. When I saw what he was looking at, my blood ran cold. Officer Ingram already had his hand on his gun. Just as I heard the safety click, I dropped the act and quickly told him it was me and that I was only joking. Officer Ingram started laughing and told me to relax.
He had seen me sneaking out of the cooler and around the store on the security monitor the whole time. The screen at the front counter showed a live feed from all the cameras in the store. We laughed about it right afterward.
For a few days after that, whenever the other officers came in, they would raise their hands or toss me their wallets. Later, it hit me that if my manager hadn’t left the monitor showing the camera feeds, I could have been shot and faced some very serious consequences.
40. Bless Me—In More Ways Than One
I was living with a close friend in a place with pretty thin walls. Late one night, I felt a sneeze coming on. The thing is, I have a very dramatic sneeze. You know the kind—the ones that come out of nowhere and give you maybe one second to cover your mouth.
That night, not wanting to wake my friend, I reached for a pillow to muffle the sneeze. It got to my face before I realized I hadn’t grabbed the pillow at all. I had just made a fist.
I ended up punching myself in the face. I even gave myself a nosebleed.
41. This Smells Like A Really Bad Idea
A few months before my flight out of LAX, the infamous “shoe bomber” had been caught trying to set his shoes on fire. After that, airport security tightened things up and started making everyone take off their shoes for screening.
I had just joined my school’s improv team and had already decided, on the way into the airport, that I was the funniest person alive. My family and I walked up to security and started taking off our shoes. I wasn’t wearing socks, and my feet tended to sweat a lot, so my shoes smelled terrible.
But that day, I gave them an even worse surprise. If you’ve never heard of “stink bombs,” they’re little devices you squeeze to create a pocket of awful-smelling air that eventually pops and spreads a nasty odor everywhere.
As I approached one of the airport screeners, I was grinning from ear to ear and politely told them to “watch out for those stink bombs.” Well… I was immediately taken into a side room, where my family’s bags were searched while six agents and two officers yelled at me for half an hour.
My family and I were headed to New Zealand. It was the longest, quietest flight of my life.
42. This Isn’t What It Looks Like
My wife went to Las Vegas on vacation with her friends. I was still young and not making great decisions, so I did what seemed natural at the time and went out drinking. Unfortunately, I got completely wasted.
When I got home, I got in the shower because it somehow seemed like a good idea. Then I started feeling sick and crawled over to the toilet to deal with the nausea. When I finished, I tried to push myself back up, but as soon as I put weight on the toilet, it cracked in half.
It felt like the porcelain god was fighting back. And that was only the start of my trouble. I cut my hand on the broken edge of the toilet, and with all the alcohol in my system, it bled heavily. That was about the point where all common sense left me. I was naked, bleeding, and extremely drunk.
I couldn’t figure out why water was flooding the bathroom, so I flushed the broken toilet several times, which made the flooding much worse. Then I called my wife and left her this voicemail: “Hi… I’m not sure where I am. I’m not sure who I am. There’s blood everywhere… there’s just blood everywhere. I’ve got to go.”
My wife was at the airport with her friends, about to fly home, when she heard that alarming message. She tried desperately to call me back several times, but I never answered. After leaving bloody handprints on the walls while trying to steady myself, I passed out naked and bleeding on the bed.
When she still couldn’t reach me, she called my parents. My message had made her fear the worst. My parents drove to my place and let themselves in. The next thing I remember, my dad was poking me with a broom and yelling, “Are you alive?!”
The next morning, my mom helped me clean up the mess. We had a nice talk. I felt awful for scaring my wife and my parents, but over time it somehow turned into a favorite story to tell around the campfire.
43. Beyond Clueless
When I got home from work, I somehow managed to lock my keys inside my work truck. Luckily, I had left a ladder outside the house. I broke through part of my privacy fence to drag the ladder out, then leaned it up against my unlocked bedroom window on the upper floor.
I got the window open and squeezed my way through the small opening, collecting some pretty good bruises in the process. My dog, who watched the entire “break-in,” seemed thoroughly entertained. Honestly, I’m pretty sure she was laughing at me.
Once inside, I eventually found the long-lost spare keys. I climbed back down the ladder and unlocked the truck—only to discover that the passenger-side window had been open the entire time.
44. A Messy Situation
One time, my friends and I were running late for a train from Brussels to London. We arrived with just a few minutes to spare, only to discover we had to go through a full security check—x-ray machine, metal detector, customs station, the whole thing. I had not expected that at all.
I was last in line from our group, but I moved quickly. I put my backpack on the x-ray belt and started filling a bin with my personal items: belt, wallet, sunglasses, phone, passport, and a Belgian waffle covered in whipped cream.
Then I started walking toward the metal detector and suddenly realized what I had just done. I turned around just in time to see the machine’s black rubber flaps open on the other side, dragging the whipped cream across everything and smearing it all over the place.
The machine was covered in whipped cream. But because I was the last one through and had placed the waffle behind the bin of personal items, the rest of my stuff was safe. I looked at the security guard, grabbed my belongings, and shouted, “Sorry!” while running toward customs.
I could hear him yelling at me as I ran.
45. Some Things Never Change
During residency, I was trying to save money by bringing sandwiches to work. But either I wouldn’t have time in the morning to make them, or I’d prepare lunch the night before and then forget to take it with me when I rushed out the door.
So one day, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant plan: I’d make the sandwiches the night before, put my keys in the fridge with my lunch, and then in the morning I’d remember the lunch as soon as I went looking for my keys. Brilliant, right? Well, the next morning I woke up late as usual, threw on my scrubs, and then couldn’t find my keys anywhere.
I searched all over for them. Eventually, I had to call a cab and leave my apartment unlocked. All day at work, I kept telling people, “I just don’t understand. It’s a small apartment. There are only so many places the keys could be.” After work, I took another cab home, already dreading even more cab rides since it was too late to get new keys made.
That evening, I opened the fridge to make dinner… and there they were: my nicely chilled keys, sitting right beside the lunch I had packed the night before.
Freepik, drobotdean
46. What A Wise Guy
Early in my freshman year of college, everyone went to a formal dinner where you dress up and meet people from your dorm. At my table, people were pouring water from the pitcher the “wrong” way. Obviously, you’re not supposed to pour through the spout where the ice gets stuck and the water can spill.
Since I’d worked as a busboy in high school, I saw the perfect chance to impress everyone with my expertise. So I confidently announced, “Let me show you how a real professional pours water,” and started pouring from the side of the pitcher like I really knew what I was doing.
The only problem was that I forgot one very important detail: you need a glass to pour into. I poured water straight onto the table—and into the laps of the people sitting beside me.
47. Wanted
We live in a city nowhere near the ocean. When I was about 17, I was flipping through the paper looking for a part-time job. I’d been babysitting and cleaning for a while, so I was searching the classifieds for something along those lines.
After a few minutes, my mom pointed to an ad that said, “Sunday mornings—Light housekeeping—Inner city.” I looked at her completely confused and asked, “Who in the world owns a lighthouse in this city?”
48. Well, That Was Dumb
My older brother had just bought a new Nokia phone, and back then it cost a small fortune. On the second day of him owning this prized possession, I was secretly trying to install some random apps on it when suddenly the screen went blank. Nothing. Completely dead. I panicked.
I tried turning it on. Nothing. I took off the back cover. Still nothing. I connected and disconnected everything I could think of. No luck. I even waved it around a little, hoping somehow that would help. Finally, I ran back to the shop where he’d bought it. Out of breath and feeling guilty, I told the clerk it had mysteriously crashed all on its own, definitely through no fault of mine.
He took the phone and tried turning it on, but got nothing. Then he plugged in the charger and casually asked what I was studying. Just as I was about to say, “engineering undergrad,” the Nokia tune played and the screen lit up.
The phone had simply run out of battery, and somehow my supposedly tech-minded self hadn’t even considered that. He smiled, handed it back, and said, “These things don’t run on sunlight. You have to charge them.”
49. Tight Squeeze
I was shopping at a mall once with two friends who were from the area. I’d never been there before. While we were walking around, I spotted the Abercrombie store and told them I wanted to go in and try on some clothes. They exchanged a look but didn’t say anything.
We agreed to meet somewhere else when I was done. Inside, I found a shirt I liked and asked a sales clerk to unlock the fitting room so I could try it on. She gave me a slightly odd look, but opened it. I was 19 at the time and usually wore a medium. I already owned some Abercrombie shirts, so I knew how they normally fit.
That’s why I immediately knew this shirt was way too tight, even by that brand’s standards. I figured maybe I’d somehow gained a lot of weight. I stepped out and found the same clerk, then asked if she could bring me the same shirt in a larger size.
She looked at me strangely again, but handed me one. I tried it on and somehow it was still unbelievably tight. At that point I was wondering what on earth was happening. I knew I wasn’t that much bigger than usual. I changed back into my clothes and walked out.
Then I saw it—a huge poster with kids on it who looked about nine years old. I was in Abercrombie Kids. I left that store faster than I thought possible, avoiding all eye contact with the employees on my way out. I had never been so embarrassed.
Freepik, benzoix
50. A Shattering Good Time
I was drinking with friends at someone’s house when we all decided to get into the jacuzzi. As I was taking off my clothes and about to get in, I dropped my glass right beside the jacuzzi. It shattered everywhere. My friends immediately gave me the “you need to clean that up before someone steps on it” speech.
I ignored them, muttered something unclear, and got in anyway. Of course, karma came back immediately. I was the first one out of the jacuzzi—and guess who stepped on the broken glass the moment he got out? Me. While I was awkwardly trying to dry off and get changed under a towel, I looked down and saw a pretty large pool of blood forming at my feet and thought, “Oh, I’m bleeding,” but kept changing anyway.
Once my friends noticed, they rushed over to help. Right then, my towel fell off just as my friend’s dad came downstairs to find out what all the noise was about. He found me standing there completely naked and bleeding. Eventually someone wrapped a towel around me and another one around my foot, which was bleeding a lot.
We ended up at the emergency room, all of us very much under the influence, with me bleeding and barely dressed. I’m not sure why I said this, but feeling ridiculous, I jokingly told the doctors my friends had attacked me. Thankfully, the friend who came in with me quickly explained what had actually happened, and no one got in trouble.
In the end, all I got was a tetanus shot, 10 stitches in a half-moon shape, and a lasting lesson. These days I stick to plastic cups—for my own safety.
51. Grocery Time
I tried to buy a cart full of groceries, then realized I had left my wallet at home. I rushed back to get it, leaving a cart full of frozen food starting to thaw with a poor cashier—she said it was fine, but I still felt terrible.
When I came back with my wallet, I paid for everything and then somehow left the entire cart of groceries at the store anyway. I made it all the way home, walked inside, and sat down before I realized what I had done.
I’m pretty sure the cashier thought I was not exactly the sharpest person around.
52. A Disastrous Breakfast
I was really craving some boiled eggs, and I happened to have one in the fridge. Not wanting to eat it cold, I decided to warm it up in the microwave for a few seconds. After a little while, I heard a weird fizzing sound coming from inside.
I took the egg out to see what was making the noise. That turned out to be a very painful mistake. The moment the egg got close to my face, it exploded in a way that felt like a tiny grenade had gone off right in front of me.
My mom came running downstairs to see what happened and found me standing in the middle of the kitchen, frozen, holding an empty bowl. My face, my glasses, the floor, the ceiling—everything within about three meters was covered in bits of egg. She had never laughed so hard.
Needless to say, I spent the next few hours on a ladder scrubbing my breakfast off the ceiling.
53. Gunky Dishes
I went to wash my dishes and found the sink full of cloudy, dirty water. When I asked one of my housemates about it, she said the sink was clogged, maintenance had been called, and it wouldn’t be fixed until the next week. Annoyed, I used the other sink, finished my dishes, and went upstairs.
Later that night, I decided a clogged sink was no match for me. So I reached into the water to figure out what was causing the problem before deciding what to do next. I moved my hand around and felt something familiar—the plug. So that was the issue.
I called one of my housemates and asked if nobody had thought to check whether the plug was in. It quickly turned into everyone saying they had heard from someone else that the sink was clogged. It didn’t matter. I went back to my room feeling smug, convinced I would now be known as the handyman of the house.
54. A Demonstration To Forget
I wanted to prove to my friends that my iPhone 5 never broke, because I had dropped it many times and it had always survived. So, to demonstrate, I pulled it out of my pocket and threw it onto the hardwood floor.
It shattered completely.
55. Laundry Woes
A few days ago, I went to the laundromat to wash my clothes. After the wash cycle, I put some coins into a dryer and walked away. When I came back about an hour later, I found my clothes were still wet. Without thinking much about it, I put more coins into the dryer and left again.
When I returned the second time, my clothes were still wet. I went back to my apartment and complained to my roommate that the dryer was broken. He said, “I used it this morning and it worked fine. Did you press the ‘start’ button after putting the coins in?”
