41. This Smells Like A Really Bad Idea
A few months before my flight out of LAX, the infamous “shoe bomber” had been caught trying to set his shoes on fire. After that, airport security tightened things up and started making everyone take off their shoes for screening.
I had just joined my school’s improv team and had already decided, on the way into the airport, that I was the funniest person alive. My family and I walked up to security and started taking off our shoes. I wasn’t wearing socks, and my feet tended to sweat a lot, so my shoes smelled terrible.
But that day, I gave them an even worse surprise. If you’ve never heard of “stink bombs,” they’re little devices you squeeze to create a pocket of awful-smelling air that eventually pops and spreads a nasty odor everywhere.
As I approached one of the airport screeners, I was grinning from ear to ear and politely told them to “watch out for those stink bombs.” Well… I was immediately taken into a side room, where my family’s bags were searched while six agents and two officers yelled at me for half an hour.
My family and I were headed to New Zealand. It was the longest, quietest flight of my life.
42. This Isn’t What It Looks Like
My wife went to Las Vegas on vacation with her friends. I was still young and not making great decisions, so I did what seemed natural at the time and went out drinking. Unfortunately, I got completely wasted.
When I got home, I got in the shower because it somehow seemed like a good idea. Then I started feeling sick and crawled over to the toilet to deal with the nausea. When I finished, I tried to push myself back up, but as soon as I put weight on the toilet, it cracked in half.
It felt like the porcelain god was fighting back. And that was only the start of my trouble. I cut my hand on the broken edge of the toilet, and with all the alcohol in my system, it bled heavily. That was about the point where all common sense left me. I was naked, bleeding, and extremely drunk.
I couldn’t figure out why water was flooding the bathroom, so I flushed the broken toilet several times, which made the flooding much worse. Then I called my wife and left her this voicemail: “Hi… I’m not sure where I am. I’m not sure who I am. There’s blood everywhere… there’s just blood everywhere. I’ve got to go.”
My wife was at the airport with her friends, about to fly home, when she heard that alarming message. She tried desperately to call me back several times, but I never answered. After leaving bloody handprints on the walls while trying to steady myself, I passed out naked and bleeding on the bed.
When she still couldn’t reach me, she called my parents. My message had made her fear the worst. My parents drove to my place and let themselves in. The next thing I remember, my dad was poking me with a broom and yelling, “Are you alive?!”
The next morning, my mom helped me clean up the mess. We had a nice talk. I felt awful for scaring my wife and my parents, but over time it somehow turned into a favorite story to tell around the campfire.
43. Beyond Clueless
When I got home from work, I somehow managed to lock my keys inside my work truck. Luckily, I had left a ladder outside the house. I broke through part of my privacy fence to drag the ladder out, then leaned it up against my unlocked bedroom window on the upper floor.
I got the window open and squeezed my way through the small opening, collecting some pretty good bruises in the process. My dog, who watched the entire “break-in,” seemed thoroughly entertained. Honestly, I’m pretty sure she was laughing at me.
Once inside, I eventually found the long-lost spare keys. I climbed back down the ladder and unlocked the truck—only to discover that the passenger-side window had been open the entire time.
44. A Messy Situation
One time, my friends and I were running late for a train from Brussels to London. We arrived with just a few minutes to spare, only to discover we had to go through a full security check—x-ray machine, metal detector, customs station, the whole thing. I had not expected that at all.
I was last in line from our group, but I moved quickly. I put my backpack on the x-ray belt and started filling a bin with my personal items: belt, wallet, sunglasses, phone, passport, and a Belgian waffle covered in whipped cream.
Then I started walking toward the metal detector and suddenly realized what I had just done. I turned around just in time to see the machine’s black rubber flaps open on the other side, dragging the whipped cream across everything and smearing it all over the place.
The machine was covered in whipped cream. But because I was the last one through and had placed the waffle behind the bin of personal items, the rest of my stuff was safe. I looked at the security guard, grabbed my belongings, and shouted, “Sorry!” while running toward customs.
I could hear him yelling at me as I ran.
45. Some Things Never Change
During residency, I was trying to save money by bringing sandwiches to work. But either I wouldn’t have time in the morning to make them, or I’d prepare lunch the night before and then forget to take it with me when I rushed out the door.
So one day, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant plan: I’d make the sandwiches the night before, put my keys in the fridge with my lunch, and then in the morning I’d remember the lunch as soon as I went looking for my keys. Brilliant, right? Well, the next morning I woke up late as usual, threw on my scrubs, and then couldn’t find my keys anywhere.
I searched all over for them. Eventually, I had to call a cab and leave my apartment unlocked. All day at work, I kept telling people, “I just don’t understand. It’s a small apartment. There are only so many places the keys could be.” After work, I took another cab home, already dreading even more cab rides since it was too late to get new keys made.
That evening, I opened the fridge to make dinner… and there they were: my nicely chilled keys, sitting right beside the lunch I had packed the night before.
Freepik, drobotdean
46. What A Wise Guy
Early in my freshman year of college, everyone went to a formal dinner where you dress up and meet people from your dorm. At my table, people were pouring water from the pitcher the “wrong” way. Obviously, you’re not supposed to pour through the spout where the ice gets stuck and the water can spill.
Since I’d worked as a busboy in high school, I saw the perfect chance to impress everyone with my expertise. So I confidently announced, “Let me show you how a real professional pours water,” and started pouring from the side of the pitcher like I really knew what I was doing.
The only problem was that I forgot one very important detail: you need a glass to pour into. I poured water straight onto the table—and into the laps of the people sitting beside me.
47. Wanted
We live in a city nowhere near the ocean. When I was about 17, I was flipping through the paper looking for a part-time job. I’d been babysitting and cleaning for a while, so I was searching the classifieds for something along those lines.
After a few minutes, my mom pointed to an ad that said, “Sunday mornings—Light housekeeping—Inner city.” I looked at her completely confused and asked, “Who in the world owns a lighthouse in this city?”
48. Well, That Was Dumb
My older brother had just bought a new Nokia phone, and back then it cost a small fortune. On the second day of him owning this prized possession, I was secretly trying to install some random apps on it when suddenly the screen went blank. Nothing. Completely dead. I panicked.
I tried turning it on. Nothing. I took off the back cover. Still nothing. I connected and disconnected everything I could think of. No luck. I even waved it around a little, hoping somehow that would help. Finally, I ran back to the shop where he’d bought it. Out of breath and feeling guilty, I told the clerk it had mysteriously crashed all on its own, definitely through no fault of mine.
He took the phone and tried turning it on, but got nothing. Then he plugged in the charger and casually asked what I was studying. Just as I was about to say, “engineering undergrad,” the Nokia tune played and the screen lit up.
The phone had simply run out of battery, and somehow my supposedly tech-minded self hadn’t even considered that. He smiled, handed it back, and said, “These things don’t run on sunlight. You have to charge them.”
49. Tight Squeeze
I was shopping at a mall once with two friends who were from the area. I’d never been there before. While we were walking around, I spotted the Abercrombie store and told them I wanted to go in and try on some clothes. They exchanged a look but didn’t say anything.
We agreed to meet somewhere else when I was done. Inside, I found a shirt I liked and asked a sales clerk to unlock the fitting room so I could try it on. She gave me a slightly odd look, but opened it. I was 19 at the time and usually wore a medium. I already owned some Abercrombie shirts, so I knew how they normally fit.
That’s why I immediately knew this shirt was way too tight, even by that brand’s standards. I figured maybe I’d somehow gained a lot of weight. I stepped out and found the same clerk, then asked if she could bring me the same shirt in a larger size.
She looked at me strangely again, but handed me one. I tried it on and somehow it was still unbelievably tight. At that point I was wondering what on earth was happening. I knew I wasn’t that much bigger than usual. I changed back into my clothes and walked out.
Then I saw it—a huge poster with kids on it who looked about nine years old. I was in Abercrombie Kids. I left that store faster than I thought possible, avoiding all eye contact with the employees on my way out. I had never been so embarrassed.
Freepik, benzoix
50. A Shattering Good Time
I was drinking with friends at someone’s house when we all decided to get into the jacuzzi. As I was taking off my clothes and about to get in, I dropped my glass right beside the jacuzzi. It shattered everywhere. My friends immediately gave me the “you need to clean that up before someone steps on it” speech.
I ignored them, muttered something unclear, and got in anyway. Of course, karma came back immediately. I was the first one out of the jacuzzi—and guess who stepped on the broken glass the moment he got out? Me. While I was awkwardly trying to dry off and get changed under a towel, I looked down and saw a pretty large pool of blood forming at my feet and thought, “Oh, I’m bleeding,” but kept changing anyway.
Once my friends noticed, they rushed over to help. Right then, my towel fell off just as my friend’s dad came downstairs to find out what all the noise was about. He found me standing there completely naked and bleeding. Eventually someone wrapped a towel around me and another one around my foot, which was bleeding a lot.
We ended up at the emergency room, all of us very much under the influence, with me bleeding and barely dressed. I’m not sure why I said this, but feeling ridiculous, I jokingly told the doctors my friends had attacked me. Thankfully, the friend who came in with me quickly explained what had actually happened, and no one got in trouble.
In the end, all I got was a tetanus shot, 10 stitches in a half-moon shape, and a lasting lesson. These days I stick to plastic cups—for my own safety.
51. Grocery Time
I tried to buy a cart full of groceries, then realized I had left my wallet at home. I rushed back to get it, leaving a cart full of frozen food starting to thaw with a poor cashier—she said it was fine, but I still felt terrible.
When I came back with my wallet, I paid for everything and then somehow left the entire cart of groceries at the store anyway. I made it all the way home, walked inside, and sat down before I realized what I had done.
I’m pretty sure the cashier thought I was not exactly the sharpest person around.
52. A Disastrous Breakfast
I was really craving some boiled eggs, and I happened to have one in the fridge. Not wanting to eat it cold, I decided to warm it up in the microwave for a few seconds. After a little while, I heard a weird fizzing sound coming from inside.
I took the egg out to see what was making the noise. That turned out to be a very painful mistake. The moment the egg got close to my face, it exploded in a way that felt like a tiny grenade had gone off right in front of me.
My mom came running downstairs to see what happened and found me standing in the middle of the kitchen, frozen, holding an empty bowl. My face, my glasses, the floor, the ceiling—everything within about three meters was covered in bits of egg. She had never laughed so hard.
Needless to say, I spent the next few hours on a ladder scrubbing my breakfast off the ceiling.
53. Gunky Dishes
I went to wash my dishes and found the sink full of cloudy, dirty water. When I asked one of my housemates about it, she said the sink was clogged, maintenance had been called, and it wouldn’t be fixed until the next week. Annoyed, I used the other sink, finished my dishes, and went upstairs.
Later that night, I decided a clogged sink was no match for me. So I reached into the water to figure out what was causing the problem before deciding what to do next. I moved my hand around and felt something familiar—the plug. So that was the issue.
I called one of my housemates and asked if nobody had thought to check whether the plug was in. It quickly turned into everyone saying they had heard from someone else that the sink was clogged. It didn’t matter. I went back to my room feeling smug, convinced I would now be known as the handyman of the house.
54. A Demonstration To Forget
I wanted to prove to my friends that my iPhone 5 never broke, because I had dropped it many times and it had always survived. So, to demonstrate, I pulled it out of my pocket and threw it onto the hardwood floor.
It shattered completely.
55. Laundry Woes
A few days ago, I went to the laundromat to wash my clothes. After the wash cycle, I put some coins into a dryer and walked away. When I came back about an hour later, I found my clothes were still wet. Without thinking much about it, I put more coins into the dryer and left again.
When I returned the second time, my clothes were still wet. I went back to my apartment and complained to my roommate that the dryer was broken. He said, “I used it this morning and it worked fine. Did you press the ‘start’ button after putting the coins in?”
