28. A Delicate Operation
Back in 2009 I had a roommate I am going to call Kate. She was a nurse at a plastic surgeon's office. She had several issues and was a very convincing pathological liar. I knew this but we had lived for about a year and got along well enough. I just knew not to believe her most of the time.
Anyway, one night I was watching Lost when she came out of her bedroom and said she was going to the store to meet a guy. She was wearing jeans and a hoodie. I was watching TV and didn't think much about it. I just said be careful and let it go. I ended up going to bed around midnight and she hadn't returned home yet. I just assumed she had hooked up with that guy. Not her normal thing, but not unheard of.
Just after I turned off the light, there was a knock on my door. I got up thinking Kate had just lost her keys or something. I went downstairs in just my boxers and T-shirt and when I opened the door there were two uniformed officers standing there. Then the questions started.
Officer: "Who are you" Me: " I am Astelan101. I own this place".
Officer: "Kate told us she owned this place and didn't live with anyone. Is that your cat"?
Me: "Uh, I bought his place in 2006 and have owned that cat since 2004. What is going on"?
Officer: "Kate was hurt tonight and she is at the hospital".
Me: "Oh no! Is she okay"?
Officer: "Can we come in"?
Me: " Uh, yeah. Come in".
Nowadays, I probably wouldn't agree without a search warrant, but things were different around here back then.
They came in and asked where her bedroom was. I pointed it out and one of them went in while the other stayed in the living room with me. The first officer came out of her room and went into her bathroom and was poking around. After they had been there for about half an hour, they finally started telling me what was happening—and I started to panic.
Kate told them that someone had attacked her and sliced open her stomach and then dumped her at the emergency room. After being questioned a bit, she had claimed her date hurt her and had dumped her at the door, but wouldn't tell them who.
At this point there were a total of 6 officers in my condo, going in and out of her room, and I was still in my boxers. I asked if I could go upstairs and put on some pants. They agreed but one of them had to go with me. While up there, he checked my tub, sink, towels, and dirty laundry to see if there was any blood.
After getting dressed and heading downstairs I realized I had acquired 2 more officers and a detective. She told me the story had changed and now Kate was claiming it was a med student from the local University that was trying to become a doctor. He was trying to remove a large scar that went the entire way across her stomach. He had hit something and then left her at the hospital.
The hospital was having fits because they thought a student was practicing surgery. Also at this point, they are carrying stuff out of her room in paper bags. And then I finally get the whole story.
Kate had stolen scalpels, bandaging, packing materials, and medications to perform surgery on herself. She had injected herself with local anesthetics and had taken a handful of barbiturates. She had cut herself open starting just below her ribs on the left side. She decided she didn't like the angle so she packed the wound and tried again a bit lower and more horizontal. She had apparently nicked something that shouldn't be cut and started bleeding. She got dressed and drove herself to the hospital that was about 3 minutes away. She had lied to the hospital staff and officers when they arrived.
The officers hauled out all the supplies she had used along with a ton of meds she had stolen. Nothing that would get you high, just stuff that would enable her to do the surgery. When they left they told me I would have to hire someone to clean up the blood.
At that point, it was 5 am and they left. I had been up since 6 am in the morning before. I drove to the hospital to see her cause I was still in panic mode. I was eventually allowed to see her and she held my hand but wouldn't say anything. They kicked me out around 7 so I went home and showered and came back. At 8 am I was told she didn't want to see me, but I stayed anyway. About an hour later I was told that they were committing her to a local mental hospital.
Not knowing what to do, I went into work. I was there about an hour before my nerves finally broke. I told my boss what had happened and he sent me home. I went to Walmart and picked up some heavy-duty gloves and a large plastic container and went home to do some clean up. I was lucky and almost everything was contained to her comforter. I gathered that up, her sheets, and her...let's call it stomach material...in the box (for the record, I couldn't eat chicken for months). I took it to my parents' place to burn.
Finally making it back home, I laid down on the couch to sleep around 1 pm. At this point, I had been up for 31 hours and 13 of that under stress. Just as I dozed off I got a call from Kate. They were releasing her from the mental hospital and needed me to pick her up at 3. I wasn't happy but I did it. As we were driving home she told me that she had convinced the doctors she had a mental breakdown from body issues, no food, and too many diet pills so they let her go. Given that I had dinner with her that night, a large one at that, it was obvious she had lied to them.
In the following days, Kate mostly stayed on the couch since she had been fired from her job and didn't feel up to going anywhere. I finally kicked her out about three weeks later after she disappeared for two days. I didn't want to deal with it. She left her bed owing me about $800 for back rent. I never talked to her again. I do still have a copy of the incident report.
A few months ago, someone that had known us both asked me about her and I decided to look her up. She didn't have a Facebook profile, but I could see where she was on her third last name. I should have stopped at this point, but curiosity....he third last name led me to a website where I could see she was looking for a hookup while in prison. Her picture was attached to the ad so I knew it was her. She was in prison for credit card fraud, identity theft, resisting arrest, and about four other non-minor charges I can't think of right now.
29. John-versations
I was with my college roommate, John, taking a road trip to upstate NY (approximately 4 hour drive) and I notice that he has a CD-R titled "Conversations with John" on it. So I ask John what that is. He's hesitant but tells me it's a CD he listens to on long road trips. I pop it in and the 1st track starts.
(It's John himself)
"Howdy Cowboy! How's the road ahead"?
I turned it right off and we never spoke of it again.
30. Clowning Around
My gay roommate's boyfriend had a creepy, creepy clown mask that he left at our place. One night I fell asleep early, he came into my room wearing the mask and wiggled my toe until I woke up.
31. Prank Wars
My roommates and I had slightly strange relationships. I think the occasional issues were due to the fact that I've only lived with people who I've already been close friends with, which a lot of people will tell you is a big mistake. Perhaps the fact that I am an only child also helps.
We had a fun time 'weirding each other out' as we called it. Our senses of humor loved the idea of finding something strange or unexplainable in the house randomly.
Some things I discovered with no explanation:
An orange traffic cone on my bed when I woke up one day.
Extra large ribbed condoms stuffed into my purse so that when I went to the bank they spilled out everywhere in public.
A 20cm huntsman spider locked in my toilet with a sign that said “ha ha”! (that joke was on them, I'm not scared of them and promptly scooped him up and deposited him in the downstairs bathroom before locking the door to mine).
My revenge pranks:
A cheap blowup doll lovingly tucked up in my roommate's bed, perfectly timed so that the real estate agent would see it while he was showing her a problem with his air conditioner.
A large bush turkey locked in the house.
My roommate’s room filled entirely with balloons from floor to ceiling so that they spilled out when the door was opened.
Roommate’s car completely wrapped in plastic wrap 'because it was raining'
Having my roommates return home after a night drinking and getting stoned to find all the lights turned out and fake caution tape wrapped around the entrances to the house. (I didn't realize they were stoned and paranoid. I have never seen someone run that fast or clumsily).
32. Butter Things To Do
While my actual roommate was abroad for a semester his brother lived with me. Something that I noticed was that he bought a lot of butter. A lot! We always had around 3-4 pieces in the fridge and it was not always the same few pieces, but he always bought new ones. One time I asked him what he did with so much butter.
He denied that it was his (which is super strange because we are the only two people living there and none of my friends brought the butter and he never had friends over). When he moved out the butter disappeared too. To this day I don’t know wtf he needed that for and I think I don’t even wanna know
33. The Last Straw
This happened when I was in college. I roomed with a guy who was awkward AF. Chinese guy, polite but awkward. He wanted me to help him learn English. That’s cool, I thought...I really tried to reach him the customs...he never got it, no problem. He would get milk cartons and leave them on the heater, ok whatever...he would order a pizza, eat one piece and squirrel the rest under the bed for a week, gross.
Caught him standing over me while I slept...we talked. Last straw was hearing him pleasure himself...I mean, he wasn’t even trying to conceal it...that was it. He had to go and he did.
34. Good Bye-Day
I had a roommate that likely thought he was literally the second coming of Christ. He only ate foods described in the Old Testament, so lots of dates and olives.
The week leading up to Easter he took down all of the art in the house and put it in my room because he felt it was a form of following a false prophet. He then burned a bonfire in the backyard where he threw in dolls or whatever. Lots of melted plastic on my lawn.
He filled his bathtub with water and god knows what else, but it stunk and looked disgusting. I still don't know what he was doing with the tub.
Finally, on Good Friday I saw him walking around the neighborhood wearing all white robes with a crown of thorns around his head (he also had long brown hair).
I kicked him out.
35. Trash Can Ban
Back in college, I had a roommate ban us from keeping a trashcan in the kitchen.
We'd had a rather juicy round of trash so a little dripped from the bag on carpet going from the kitchen to the dumpster (you had to walk through the living room, weird layout). Because his dad owned the townhouse we lived in he freaked and insisted we keep the trash can on the back porch (again, across the living room). He hadn't factored in the fact that his 2 other roommates actually cooked things from scratch. After 2 weeks of a disgusting string of mess forming on the carpet and a steam cleaner rental he calmed down and put the trashcan back in the kitchen. I think it was the paper towels with sopped-up blood (from butchery, not a wound) that finally did it.
36. Robe Up!
I had a roommate during school. He was a hyper-masculine, frat boy type. Very loud and obnoxious and kind of aggressive in that way. One day I come home late from school and find all the lights off and approximately 30 individual candles lighting the darkened living room. He is sitting there wearing only a robe and holding a glass of red wine. I ask him what's up, kind of laughing and thinking a girl is coming over, and he looks at me like I'm an idiot and goes "Dude, the bachelor starts tonight. Get your robe"! I did not know this was a thing.
37. Orange You Glad?
My freshman year of college. I was laying in bed and my roommate walked in from the diner at approximately 9 pm and went "parks_and_rek how do you eat an orange"? I sit up and told him to peel it and then eat the inside. This man says “oh I thought it tasted funny” and is holding an orange with a bite out of the side as if he was eating an apple.
However in a power move this man then continues to just eat the orange as an apple and refuses to peel it.
38. Rinse And Repeat
I lived in a big house with lots of other guys in college. One dude would open the second-floor window every morning, pour a decent amount of cheerios or other cereal out onto our first-floor patio for the birds, and then pee out the same window all over the food—and then repeat most mornings.
39. The Bathroom’s Dog-upied
My roommate was a sleepwalker. One time he went to go to the bathroom in his sleep, saw the dog was in there, apologized, and then shut the door on the dog and peed on the door.
40. Kentucky Fried Salmonella
One day I saw some Kentucky Fried Chicken thighs in the cupboard. When I asked him about it he said you only had to refrigerate dark meat.
41. That’s Captain Jack To You
My roommate played, without notice, on full blast, the Pirates of The Caribbean theme. He ran through the house yelling "Come along laddies the sea calls for us"! He wouldn't reply to us unless we referred to him as Captain Jack Sparrow. I found out later that day he binged the franchise the night before. I didn't mind too much though since I love that song and was happy to hear it.
42. Trash Tetris
Rather than empty the small trash can in the kitchen, my roommate and her live-in-boyfriend started stacking trash like it was a game of Tetris. Imagine coming home to eggshells and watermelon rinds all over the floor. Factor in the summer heat (they always kept the kitchen windows open), and there was always an infestation of fruit flies and larvae. How could they live like that??!!!
43. Office Hours
My former roommates have been watching The Office, start to finish, for years.
No no no, you don't understand. Not "they watch it a lot." Not "it's the show of preference."
I mean they've been watching it sequentially, every day, since approximately 2007. Every. Day.
44. Carrot Bottom
I had a roommate who was obsessed with her health. The only problem was the things she tried were usually outrageous and never in moderation. It was pretty common for her to eat the same food over and over again. I didn't start to get too concerned until her hands and feet turned deep orange from the insane amounts of carrots she had been consuming.
45. Ask Me Nicely
My roommate in Army Training claimed for the whole time we lived together that he didn't have headphones, and never bought any. He watched anime at full volume while I was trying to sleep.
When I was helping him move out, he had a pair hanging in his locker. When I asked why he'd never used them, he said "Because you never asked politely".
46. Cereal Killer
I once walked in on my roommate pouring a bowl of cereal. We didn't have milk, so instead she used DR. PEPPER.
47. Not Part Of The Deal
I learned very quickly after moving in with my best friend that he and I would get along just fine living together if it was just us. But it wasn't just us.
His girlfriend at the time was not part of the original deal. I was not aware that by signing up to live with him, about a month in she would essentially be moving in with us as well, and start acting like she owned the place.
She would let herself in/out with her key, but refuse to lock the door, even though it was an agreed-upon rule that when entering/leaving the door was kept locked. It was a student building, and the appt below us was constantly coming home lit and mistaking what floor they were on. More than once they tried to force their way into our apartment. After I moved out, she finally paid the price: Eventually, they got broken into, and a couple laptops, an expensive camera, and some game systems were taken.
We had a dishwasher. I would often come home, clean up all the stuff that’d been dumped in the sink (3 feet from said dishwasher), head into my bedroom, hear her leave his room, and seconds later hear a crashing and banging as she dumped her dirty dishes in the sink and walk away.
She would take other peoples’ food from the fridge, make things out of it, and then shrug and indicate “Oh, well you can have some of my food” when called on it. Um, that was my food, you’re a thief and that casserole is now mine.
Wandering around the apartment in a general state of undress. She was cute, but I definitely caught sight of way more than I’m sure her boyfriend would want me to see.
Speaking of which, guess how quiet they weren’t when they decided to get intimate? At 2 am. On a work night. Seriously, buy a gag!
Given that she had the run of the apartment, the fact that she never contributed in a financial sense once was also a problem. There were three of us sharing the "shared space." Yes, she was in his bedroom each night, but I still had to work around her, and she had a footprint in terms of the shared utilities. She should’ve been contributing to the rent equally. No cash came my way, and my real roommate was obviously compensated in other ways.
There were a bunch more stupid things done before they broke up, but I moved out at that point. Friendship took a bit of a hit, but we patched things up quickly after they broke up.
48. Dishing It Out
My old roommate from college was a complete nightmare. She claimed she didn’t know how to load a dishwasher and would put cups and bowls facing up so they were filled with dirty water when the cycle was over. She’d take my candles, lighters, and other small things and lie about it even though she’d let me go into her room to borrow things and I’d see them and take them back. She also hoarded dirty silverware and plates in her room and a ton of them grew mold. It got to the point where she’d throw out kitchenware that I bought so she wouldn’t have to put it in the sink or dishwasher. Absolutely unreal.
49. BronyFans
I had a flatmate (sorry, British) that was a Brony. For the lucky people who have not come across a Brony in the wild, it's basically a grown man who is into My Little Pony.
He would carry around a sizeable teddy version of a pony and told us she was "helping" him with the cooking when he was in the kitchen. He also paid a lot of money for a rainbow pony birthday cake for himself and he attended the MLP annual convention.
However, it was his fanfic artwork that scared the bejeezus out of me. The only way I can describe it is pony erotica. I still have nightmares.
50. Unique Gastronomy
She was boiling rags in bleach water on the stove.
I’m no chemist, but I’m pretty sure that’s how you make chlorine gas.
She was... special.
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